"The stories you are about to hear, are true. Meaning they’re all lies, but they’re entertaining lies and in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer…is no."
Greetings, I am the Watcher. You may remember me from such hypothetical comics as, "Spiderman meets the Jetsons," and "The Superfirends ‘Wassup’ Comedy Hour." In case we’ve never met, I am a small green fellow who’s job is to sit in front of a bank of screens and watch TV for eternity; the result of which being an emaciated body and a disproportionately large head; but I digress. I have here a few documents that I pulled out of one of my many, Cabinets of Possible Futures. Perhaps they might interest you. Let’s read, shall we? I call this little collection of papers…
Mortem Ad Animus
FBI Official Documents
Copy with out consent is unlawful
Official Status
Name: Anthony Marcus Durham
Height: 5’ 9"
Age FBC: 48
Weight: 225
Occupation: California Institute for Archeology and Anthropology-field researcher
Status: Deceased
CoD: Murder-approx. 15 severe stab wounds
Case: investigation pending
Notes: Victim was visiting Mexico on vacation and was presumably lured into arena-like structure where the struggle took place. Witnesses report that victim was attacked by several oddly dressed Hispanics. Body was found with ears and tail removed with a red, silk, cloth draped over the corpse. Bodies of two assailants were discovered by police near that of the victim. Assailants were apparently gored to death by victim before succumbing to blood loss. Examination of the bodies and the costumes worn revealed no links to any known murder cult. Investigation will continue under Special Agent jurisdiction.
Name: Michael Bernard Hopkins
Height: 6’ 0"
Age FBC: 37
Weight: 168
Occupation: Washington Research Center-physicist\Dorland National Choir-tenor\2002 Olympics-runner\etc. adn.
Status: Deceased
CoD: Accidental-electrocution\broken spine
Case: closed
Notes: Subject was standing in front of sink apparently washing dishes. Subject turned around and for unknown reasons was dive-tackled by wife. Subject was surprised and fell backwards. Spine was fractured on contact with edge of sink. Subject continued backwards into unusually large sink basin and several electrical devices subject had been wearing, shorted out and electrocuted both husband and wife.
Name: Elisabeth Victoria Hopkins
Height: 5’ 4"
Age FBC: 37
Weight: 105
Occupation: George C Marshall High School-English teacher
Status: Deceased
CoD: Accidental-electrocution
Case: closed
Notes: SEE Hopkins, Michael
Name: Cynthia Nicolette Rydelle Durham
Height: 5’ 9"
Age FBC: 49
Weight: 140
Occupation: San Diego Institute of Biochemistry-analyst
Status: Deceased
CoD: Mercy Killing- broken leg
Case: closed
Notes: Subject was attending Nobel Awards ceremony and was proceeding to podium to receive award when subject slipped on a small patch of water that had been spilled by an earlier recipient and had not been cleaned up. Subject fell several steps and then fell off of the platform holding the podium approximately ten feet from the stage floor. Subject was taken to local hospital and diagnosed with a shattered femur. After much debate, lethal injection was administered at patients request at 12:05 in the morning.
Name: Danielle Rosalina Murrieta
Height: 5’ 2"
Age FBC: 54
Weight: 100
Occupation: Scruples Stationary-chairperson and founder
Status: Deceased
CoD: Accidental-broken neck
Case: closed
Notes: Subject was attending the grand opening of a new mega mall apparently featuring the largest Scruples store ever built when cables holding a giant replica of a clipboard gave way. The model fell some thirty feet, landing on the company founder. In all likelihood, death was instantaneous. However, recovery of the body took some time due to metal support beams than were built into the model to represent steel fibers that are built into the company’s life-size clipboards.
Name: Kevin Makoto Nekohashi
Height: 5’ 6"
Age FBC: 39
Weight: 160
Occupation: Lord and Master of Technology-head of Microsloth Systems
Status: Deceased
CoD: Murder-drowning
Case: ongoing
Notes: Victim was found in the pool of his summer home in Florida. Assailant apparently overpowered or subdued the few guards that victim had standing guard and attacked. There were signs of a severe struggle and several of the victim’s bones had been broken. Evidence gathered on scene points to an avian assailant. The words, "who’s laughing now?" were scrawled on the wall of the scene of the apparent struggle in a substance later identified as coffee-like substance. The most likely suspect was arrested but never convicted. SEE Hawthorn, Eric The investigation is ongoing at the request of Nekohashi’s son who has significant influence in the Department.
Name: Eric Bradley Hawthorn
Height: 6’ 2"
Age FBC: 44
Weight: 227
Occupation: None-rugged individualist
Status: Deceased
CoD: Natural-cardiac arrest
Case: closed
Notes: Well known as prime suspect in the murder of Makoto Nekohashi (SEE Nekohasi, Kevin) who was never convicted despite the best efforts of state’s best reptilian prosecutor. Subject then went into seclusion and was discovered five years later in a cabin in Wisconsin; having apparently died of a massive heart attack. Subject had apparently become heavily addicted to caffeine pills, which raised the subject blood pressure to an alarming level. By the amount of decay, the subject apparently died less than a week before the body was found. Subject was watching TV at the time of death though it was theorized that whatever the subject was watching caused his heart beat to fluctuate and subsequently stop all together.
Name: Percival Aloysius Kingston
Height: 6’ 2"
Age FBC: 30
Weight: 220
Occupation: NFL-various teams
Status: Deceased
CoD: Blood Loss-severe maiming
Case: closed
Notes: While visiting Cincinnati after a game, victim, for unknown reasons entered a WOFC (Western Organization of Feminist Carnivores) conference. Members of the conference who were apprehended and later released stated that the victim accidentally made himself widely apparent to the members of the conference and then made several derogatory remarks about women. Victim and companion SEE Sorrell, Scott were attacked by approximately twenty-five females of various species. Victim suffered five broken ribs, multiple lacerations, and a variety of head injuries. He was taken to the hospital and died later that evening from loss of blood.
Name: Scott Douglas Sorrell
Height: UNKOWN- last recorded 5’ 11"
Age FBC: UNKOWN- last recorded 28
Weight: UNKOWN- last recorded 182
Occupation: Math Hunks Publications- director of personnel
Status: Missing-presumed dead
CoD: NA
Case: closed
Notes: Attending a press conference in Cincinnati, victim ran into old college friend SEE Kingston, Percival and both attended WOFC conference. Witnesses report that after the "incident" when Kingston made several derogatory remarks, victim made several remarks to the contrary as the mob began to attack. Victim apparently attempted to escape while the mob was attacking Mr. Kingston but was caught up in the swarm of angry feminists. Victim disappeared without a trace along with several members of the conference now presumed dead as well.
What are we to learn from this? What cheesy moral can be coined to place our little exercise in a drab, over used category? Should we fear "The Reaper?" Should we spend our lives trying to prevent an unstoppable force of nature? Should we be afraid of death? Of course! What are you, stupid? If some huge chap in a cloak with a scythe came after you, you’d wet yourself just like the rest of us. Goodnight, and sweet dreams. HA HA HA HA! COUGH sorry.